Agoraphobia Personal Story: Losing Sleep Over a Hot Girl with a Dead Grandmother

After I wrote that last post on catstrophic thinking and negative mind reading I went to the gym. While I was working out tonight, I thought of a time right before I had agoraphobia and did both. Here's the story:

As an eighth grader in first period algebra class, I sat behind an attractive girl I will call Kimberly. Though I had trouble getting up the confidence to talk to Kimberly, she had to acknowledge my presence twice a day. Once when we passed our completed homework up the rows and another time when we passed the new homework back down the rows. Even though we didn’t talk, she at least knew I was sitting there behind her.

One morning when I felt more confidence than usual because of a school basketball game I had played in the night before, I came to class planning to talk to Kimberly. Much to my disappointment, when we passed our homework to the front that day, she reached back for the papers without turning around or looking at me. When the new homework was passed down the rows, she just held the papers over her shoulder without turning around again. This shot what little confidence I had and my heart sank. I left class that day without talking to her once again.

I felt anxious for the rest of the day and had trouble sleeping that night. I was preoccupied with what Kimberly thought of me and why she didn’t turn around to pass me the papers in class. I thought maybe I had done something to make her mad.

The next morning when I arrived at algebra class, I could feel my heart pounding. I waited anxiously for Kimberly to arrive. She never did. I lost more sleep that night.

When Kimberly returned to school a day later, my anxiety over her behavior overrode my fear of talking to her. I found out that a grandmother who was close to her had died. She had missed a day of school to attend the funeral.

I felt relieved and stupid all at once. I felt relieved that she hadn’t purposely ignored me in class and that her behavior had nothing to do with me. I felt stupid that I had forfeited so much peace of mind wondering.

There could have been a million possible explanations why that girl didn't turn around in her seat. But leave it to an agoraphobic like me to think she was mad at me. I didn't know what I was doing back then, but I was not only "negative mind reading" according to the agoraphobia books, but I was also catastrophizing.

Looking back, I can see that this story was probably one of many omens that I would develop panic disorder with agoraphobia by the start of the next school year.