Agoraphobia Support: Guidelines for Good Listening

Being a good listener is another important quality in being a good support person for someone with agoraphobia. Being a good listener makes you someone the person with agoraphobia can share their feelings with. This is important because much of the anxiety someone with agoraphobia experiences could be coming from holding feelings in and not expressing them.

As someone who has suffered from agoraphobia I can tell you that one of the reasons people with agoraphobia (or anyone else for that matter) don't share their feelings with others is because most people are not good listeners and will just hurt your feelings even worse by not really listening or not validating them.

Probably the most crucial element to being a good listener for someone with agoraphobia or an anxiety disorder is being able to hear and validate someone's feelings or emotions by making reflective statements to let the person know that you heard and understood.

For example, if a friend with agoraphobia tellls you they are afraid they might have a panic attack and embarrass themselves if they go out on a date the best response would be:

"It sounds like you are really scared."

This lets the person with agoraphobia know that you heard their feelings. It lets the person know that you have heard their initial feeling and invites them to share more about it.

Some bad responses that do not show that you heard their feelings (and responses the average person would give) are:

"If you weren't so worried about having a panic attack you probably wouldn't have one."

"Maybe you won't have a panic attack and there's nothing to worry about."

These responses let people know that you think its silly for them to be worried about having a panic attack. They do not let the person know you have heard their feelings.

Hearing and making reflective statements about feelings is part of a skill called active listening. Active listening is a way of listening to someone that lets them know you care about them and are really hearing them. Since many people with agoraphobia say that what they need most in a support person is someone who will listen to them, here are some guidelines for active listening:

Be attentive. You have to make an effort to listen carefully. Don't daydream and don't talk.
Think about the main point the speaker is trying to make. Also, don't be thinking about what you are going to say the whole time the other person is talking.

Make reflective statments at first by paraphrasing or restating in your own words what the speaker is saying. Especially when they share a feeling (fear, anger, sadness, regret, guilt, etc.)

Good phrases to use when making reflective statements are:

"What I hear you saying is....."

"It sounds like......"

"So in other words....."

Try to leave your own emotion out when you're listening. Try not to argue back in your mind. These things detract from what the speaker is saying. In other words, be objective and try not to let your own judgments and biases cloud what you are hearing from them. Try to really see things from the other person's perspective and wait to hear their whole message before forming a response.

Ask for clarification if you don't understand a point the speaker is making. Ask questions to invite them to elaborate on points that seem important.

Avoid distractions. Sit close to the speaker, if possible.

Be aware of more than just the person's words. Look for body language, gestures, tone of voice, posture, etc. See if you think the persons non-verbal communication is congruent with what they are saying. (For example - some people smile when they are telling you they are upset). If the person's words and body language don't match, ask for clarification about what they are really feeling but be gentle about pointing out the descrepency.

When you do offer feedback, try to do so honestly but without passing judgment or expressing approval or disapproval of them as a person.

As you can see, good active listening is more than just not saying anything and nodding. Good listening is a skill that may take some work to develop if you don't come by it naturally. However, developing good active listening skills will make you a good support person for your friend or loved one with agoraphobia.

Plus - being a good listener will help you in your other relationships, too, even with people who don't have agoraphobia.