Agoraphobia Support: Ten Things Not To Do

Here are ten things not to do if you are trying to be a good support person for a friend or loved one with agoraphobia:

Don't:

1) Try to fix their problems with reason or logic

The anxiety and panic that come with agoraphobia come from irrational fear. Trying to use reason or logic to help will only make your friend or loved one with agoraphobia feel like you think he or she is stupid. If reason and logic worked, most people with agoraphobia would be better already. If a person with agoraphobia is sharing irrational thoughts with you, try active listening (hearing and making reflective statements about their feelngs) to let the person express emotions.

2) Try to force them to try any one recovery method

You may think you know best what they should be doing, but trying to force your way will only undermine the recovery process. Part of recovery has to do with the person gaining a sense of mastery or empowerment in his or her own life - and taking responsibility for oneself. You might suggest options, offer incentives, but don't try to force your way on someone with agoraphobia. Never use words like "should" or "shouldn't." Feeling trapped into having to so something with no other options is one of the psychological contributors to agoraphobia in the first place.

3) Try to solve all of the person's problems for them

If you try to do everything for someone with agoraphobia that he or she is afraid to do for himself or herself, you are just enabling the person and making the disorder too convenient for them. In extreme cases, the person will start enjoying the care and attention you are giving them and lose incentive to recover. The idea is to encourage, but let the person with agoraphobia take responsibility for his or her own life.

4) Question the person's desire to recover

Most people with agoraphobia want to recover. Most people would not choose to live through the nightmare that agoraphobia can be. Though the avoidance behavior and paralysis from anxiety might make someone look like they aren't trying or don't really care about recovering - believe me, they do. Questioning this is only hurtful and humiliating. Someone with agoraphobia doesn't need to be spending energy convincing others of their desire to recover. They will need all of their energy for the recovery effort.

5) Set time limits for their recovery

Let the person come up with his or her own goals. Setting recovery goals for a person with agoraphobia that are set in time only puts them under added pressure and stress. For instance, don't tell your spouse she has to get well by summer or she will ruin your vacation to the Bahamas. People need to be internally motivated to recover, not pressured by someone else.

6) Set goals for or evaluate the person's progress toward recovery

Remember, they are recovering for themselves, not you. Guide them to make their own evaluations but don't make it about pleasing you. People pleasing is already a problem and source of anxiety for most people with agoraphobia. Whatever you do, don't compare their progress with someone else's. Every case of agoraphobia is different and to a different degree. Feeling the need to compete with others in recovery just adds needless anxiety.

7) Try to get them to be spontaneous or do something unexpectedly

For someone with agoraphobia, this is highly likely to trigger panic or at least an escalation in anxiety. One of my worst memories as an agoraphobic was when my parents tried to get me to take a trip out of town on short notice. I felt suddenly overwhelmed and out of control.

8) Accuse them of wanting to have agoraphobia for selfish reasons

Having your motives questioned is the worst if you have agoraphobia. My parents used to accuse me of wanting to be sick to be able to stay home from school. I can tell you from experience that no one would decide to suffer from the horrors of agoraphobia to stay home from school, work, or anything else. Questioning motives humilates the sufferer and put the focus on having to convince others of something rather than the recovery process.

9) Psychoanalyze

No one likes to hear someone else's speculations about what's wrong with them. Keep your guesses to yourself, especially if you are not a psychologist or mental health professional. Its ok to help the person in the process of self-discovery or listen to a person analyze himself or herself, but under no circumstances act like you've figured them out. Sufferers of agoraphobia don't need more advice. They will get that from everyone who tries to fix them. The best thing you can offer them is understanding - that's what they really need from you as a support person.

10) Criticize

People with agoraphobia are already too hard on themselves and are usually perfectionistic. being critical only promotes this sort of thinking. Only criticize if you are doing it constructively and the person knows it is because you care.

Oh, and one more thing.......never, ever, ever give up on them. Your friend or loved one with agoraphobia needs you to keep believing in them, even during times when they lose confidence in themselves.